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Mac Defense

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Jesse Langanki

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Defend your Mac against Windoze zombies with the following tips:

  • Remember that even Bill Gates loves the Macintosh. Just watch this QuickTime movie:
    |     Regular (1.9 MB) | Streaming (80k) |
  • Watch this video showing Windows 98 crash during a live product demo on CNN and show it to your friends!:
    | Regular (1.6 MB) | Streaming (252k) |
  • At least Apple doesn't get taken to court by the government every week
  • Mention the Apple commercials that say the Macintosh is up to twice as fast as a PC. Everyone knows TV doesn't lie.
  • Mention the better efficiency, smaller size, lower power consumption, and faster speed of the 750 (G3) chip.
  • Tell them that Windows 95 sucks and most of them will agree with you.
  • Remind them that Macintosh invented the mouse and PC users never wanted to touch one of those things.
  • Describe how every Microsoft product is a hack of another (usually better) product.

If that doesn't work you must begin annyoing the Wintel user

  • Just yell out, "HEY!! YOU NEED TO THINK DIFFERENT!!"
  • Begin rambling on about Clarus and "The Legend of the Dogcow" until they become frustrated and run away.
  • Record the Quack sound to a cassette and start playing it back when the zombie tries to talk to you about Windows.
  • Make a giant mask out of the Mac happy face startup picture and wear it all the time
  • Invite yourself into their house then borrow their computer for a moment while you go to the Apple website, right-click on the Think Different graphic, and select "Use as wallpaper" for a fun background.
  • Create your own Apple t-shirts with Clarus, Steve Jobs, Mac logos, and Think Different slogans and wear one every day.

Now you must use physical force to persuade the Wintel person. (Simulate the following, don't actually do any of them)

  • Pull out your Macintosh instruction manual, pretend to look something up, then smack them across the face with it!
  • Paint the Apple logo on a piece of paper then, while it's wet, smack them across the face with it!
  • Steal their driver's license, paste an Apple logo over their photograph, and sneak it back into their wallet.
  • Drive to the nearest CompUSA and set up camp in the Apple section. Wait until the manager asks you to leave, then refuse to leave until he calls the cops, then leave.
  • Write a bill that requires Bill Gates to wear Apple logos at all times and submit it to Congress.